jordantduke

I am still reading Rob Bell’s “Love Wins”. I encourage anyone with questions on the afterlife to take a gander. A simple line from my reading this evening spurred a bit of stream-of-consciousness note taking detailed below:

“What you believe about the future shapes, informs, and determines how you live now” (Bell 47).

This is evident in my discussions with friends. Im glad they ponder ideas with me. As I grapple with thoughts of where heaven really lies, if at all, I must re-discover true passions and repurpose my desires. This is currently my most honest pursuit and self-recognition. It is the most honest I think I have ever been about my faith, what remains of it. And I believe true faith is stripped down to it’s core. It has to be.

I am happiest worrying less about my flaws (and the afterlife - all the needless guilt that accompanies a charismatic salvation experience) and focusing more on the progression of my relationships and the peace of redemption - a gift, not a choice. 

Once I understand and accept the gift, I can be granted peace and in return offer unabashed, unrelenting love without collateral. In other words, authentic love demands nothing in return - it is THE leap of faith. Love is a gift I am to give. True GIFTS do not expect gifts in return. That’s self-gratitude. Ergo, Love means preparing myself for a crucifixion. It doesn’t mean that will be the consequence for giving all of myself, but I must be willing to make the gamble. Take a risk. “A mistake is a chance” (Renata Faltin).

This way the person on the receiving end (family member, friend, lover, community, homeless person on the street) will have no doubt they are loved relentlessly, without collateral. And don’t we all desire that knowledge - that we are loved without shame, proudly and unapologetically? 

I believe this is where we often fail ourselves, largely out of fear. We’re not tough. We’re all pussies, to afraid of our own suffering. Yet many of us claim to know it so well. We are so familiar with it, so we tell ourselves. It’s called Grace. It is a significant element of Love. It is a bold element, and it was never meant to be an apology.

So I said all of this to myself tonight. It’s at the least an interesting thought trail I can dissect and ponder. It’s the long-winded way of saying, “Stop apologizing” (I often say this to my friends). The more we apologize, the more “I’m sorry” becomes an excuse. Pony up. I’ll see you at the finish line, wherever it lies. Some say it is “among you”. I think in its most basic form, it lies wherever Love wins.

We were given a photo prompt in class the other day.

The assignment was to create a story that included this shot at some point in the story. That was it. What we weren’t told at the start was that we would be rewriting our stories into Film Treatments. I don’t know that I’ll post the Treatment… maybe - it’s changed a bit. But here is the original short story I drew up: 

Santa Maria

By Jordan Duke

“Grandpa, Grandpa! Tell me the story, please! I want to hear it again,” I said with all the giddiness a six year old could muster. 

“Come here, you little stinker,” Grandpa replied endearingly. He took a deep breath as he picked me up and placed me in his lap. I felt totally secure in his arms, engulfed by a brown cloth Lay-Z-Boy. “There once was a girl named Maria. Maria was the Princess of Dreams in the Land of Wonder. Everyday, people from all over the land would come to see her and ask for things that made them happy. She would give them giant gum drops and massive stuffed bunnies. The gum drops fed the people and their families all year long and the stuffed animals provided warmth and comfort during the winter months…” I usually fell asleep in his arms as he embellished the story of Princess Maria. He would pick me up and carry me to bed in the bedroom of his trailer. One evening I overheard he and Momma talking before I was fully asleep. I got out of bed and peaked around the corner. 

“How was the diner?” he asked.

“Slow today. Not a lot of tips. I’m sorry, Pop, I know we are taking up all your space,” Momma replied.

“Ah. I enjoy the company. It’s nice to know an old man is still of some use. Chery, Miss Martha will be stopping by in the morning. I have papers I need you to sign.” He made his bed at the couch, “There’s pot pie in the fridge.” 

“I already ate, at the diner. Night, Pop.” She kissed Grandpa on the forehead and headed back to the bedroom where we slept. I leapt back into bed before Momma arrived.      

The next morning I woke up to hear company in the living room. I walked down to see Momma tying her apron on, ready to leave for work. It was early. Grandpa made me a bowl of Lucky Charms while Miss Martha, one of Folsom Community Bank’s notaries, was sitting at the table across from me. She said she was here to say hello and visit a while. I saw this as my chance to make Miss Martha happy, her eyebrows were bushy and always turned down, kinda concerned like. I always wondered what she was concerned about every time she came around, but I bet she liked marshmallows. Everybody likes marshmallows.

“Here you go, Miss Martha,” I said with a smile as I picked out all of my marshmallows out of my Lucky Charms. I slid them across the table and received a big smile from Miss Martha. I’d never seen her smile before, it was nice.

I finished my bowl of cereal. Momma signed some papers, rather reluctantly, “Pop, I don’t like to think about these things.” I ran over to the chair, jumped up and stood on top of it. Grandpa came over, bent down on a knee and asked of the Princess‘ wishes. I immediately turned him into a valiant horse and rode across the Land of Wonder, all over the living room. But Grandpa was wheezing. There was a pause. He fell to the ground and I watched Momma and Miss Martha’s smiles turn immediately into panic. I didn’t know it then but Grandpa had high blood pressure. He died of a heart attack. The papers signed were to transfer ownership of the trailer and the diner to Momma. I had always thought Grandpa would live forever, with me in our Land of Wonder. But I guess he knew something I didn’t. He always knew something I didn’t, I thought that was why he always smiled.

I’ve  fallen asleep every night in Grandpa’s chair for seven years since that day. It now sets next to a blue dumpster out side of the diner, where I sit now engulfed in the brown cloth. We’re nestled between the Sierra Nevada foothills. Mountains with character, like Grandpa. And there’s a blue horizon that doesn’t seem to end. “Mary! Mary, it’s time to go, Sweetheart,” Momma called out from the “Sold” sign in front of the diner. Miss Martha retired after Grandpa died and took it upon herself to watch me while Momma worked and went to night classes. She’s now the proud owner of “Martha’s Diner”. I’ll miss those concerned eyes. 

Momma just got an entry level job for a marketing firm in Southern California, and today is moving day.

This new life of mine just got real. And it’s difficult to accept. So what do I let go of and what do I fight for to keep in my life? It HAS to be a fight. there’s no way around that. And I don’t mind but I’m afraid of what (okay we all know I mean ‘who’, really) won’t fight along side me.

I’m going to miss a lot of people. I hope that most of them will remain, not just a part of my life but active in it. This of course means that I have to be active in maintaining the relationships, I just don’t know how to handle it when some of the important people (or developing important people) will fail me on their end of relational maintenance and development.

I try to reconnect with some of the important people from the early years. It’s very difficult. Most don’t respond. I must’ve hurt them, maybe. Or they simply cared less than I did and I hadn’t come to that realization. Or perhaps this is just the flow of life, for which I don’t think even God has the right to perform this kind of “heart surgery”. I’m at least thankful for 4 hometown friends who have been the stitches of the first Laparo-Endoscopic procedure. It’s funny, you’re edified by the greatest people, then displaced from them to be shown just how little you’ve always been. So, stand and fight.

It’s 1:30AM in Germany right now. I’ve left Chattanooga. I plan to make sure it stays in my life, the people that have made that town for me. And in two weeks I track across the globe again to Chicago. I’m legitimately terrified. It’s exciting, understand that. But people have been my life. You people are my life. I’m going to be that old man with tears always welled up in his eyes and a small grin on his face. And I’m excited about that as well. So if you know me, you’ll just have to accept it. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to Heaven. I don’t even know anymore if it really exists, or if it’s been the greatest figurative aid to giving a man his reason and purpose. But when all is said and done, I’ll be dammed if I didn’t find a little bit of it here, down in Tennessee.

And that’s the heart of this man.

I’ve been thinking about the things I either didn’t do often enough or at all in my 6 years in TN. Therefore, I’ve made a bucket list and I would like as many friends as possible to join me in my quest. So before I leave, let’s:

1. Weekend trip to New Orleans often. I love the Big Easy.

2. Make at least one trip to Savannah (I’ve never been)

3. Run-outs to ATL to see friends and family, hit up the Varsity, 5 Points, and BRAVES GAMES!

4. NASHVILLE. I love thee. All my friends and family: Jim Gray, Roy Wooten, Brandon and Daryn, my cousin DANI and Michael, Greg Burroughs, Natalie Palmer, Britni Jensen, Adina Christian, Heather Whyte, Collin, Leslie and Lerin, BRENN, THE WORSTIES, Rachel Williams, and so many more. I want to see you ALL!!! …often.

5. Eat at the Dairy Kreme in Cleves.

6. Diner on First

7. I need some serious Northshore and Bluffs time in Chatt.

8. Rafting down the Ocoee. (Only done this once!)

9. Haven’t caved in a while… that would be nice.

10. THE BLUE HOLE. Believe it or not, Lee friends, I’ve never been!

So hit me up! You’ll be hearing from me too. But, honestly I can’t leave without spending some quality time with all the people who have impacted my life. I need you.

THANK YOU,

Jodo